The Ming Report

THUS SPAKE.

January 3, 2004 - God has spoken to Pat Robertson. He spoke to him personally, and on the record. Now this wasn’t one of those interviews “on background”, something you can’t quite attribute to God Himself. No mealy-mouthed introduction attributing God’s comments to a “highly placed Heavenly source” was necessary. Pat was able to attribute God’s comments directly to the Lord, right there on the 700 Club on Friday, in front of the Television Camera, God and Everybody.

God told Pat straight up that all this political malarkey in 2004, the elections and such, is just one colossal waste of time and energy. We might as well just skip straight to January 20th, 2005 and swear George in again. 2004 just doesn’t count for anything. It doesn’t make any difference how badly things go for the President, it will have no effect. “[H]e could make terrible mistakes and comes out of it. It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad, God picks him up because he's a man of prayer and God's blessing him.", God told Pat in a series of interviews with the Master that Robertson conducted at the end of 2003.

That is not all that God told Pat in those hectic days between Christmas and New Years Day. It is going to be a good year for China too. God put that on the record and not on background. It seems that The Lord just loves those heathen Chinese. According to Robertson 2004 is going to be a year of extraordinary prosperity and God is going to bless China "in a way it's never known before." What with all the new jobs that the President has been able to create for Beijing and the 2003 Christmas shopping season at Wal-Mart, God is going to have to go some to surpass the blessings He bestowed on China in the last year.

God don’t need no BCS game on Sunday, neither. He spoke to USC in that place where He intended the National Championship to be decided – the Rose Bowl. You can just reformat your BCS hard drives because it just doesn’t matter what LSU and Oklahoma do in New Orleans on Sunday. Don’t bother turning on your TV for the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat, just go on and play golf. It has done been decided.

God has done told Pat so the election is decided too. Forget all this Iowa and New Hampshire stuff. We can call the pundits and producers back from covering South Carolina and save up the Faux News budget for the inaugural celebration next January. God gave Pat two tablets with all that engraved on them but Robertson did not examine them closely. Dr. Howard Dean did. What he saw was BAYER

“Take these, “ the Doctor told Pat, “and call me in the morning.”